I worked on land clearing 2 properties with him for two days, my fingers bled and I got bitten by all sorts of insects and was completely scratched up by blackberries. 2 days later, I worked on an insulation job for 2 days with him (carrying numerous packs of 30 lbs insulation, cutting them up, lifting them over my head to feed the machine, having to break the material apart by punching it), cleaning up the excess material from the 2nd floor, carrying these enormous amounts downstairs, one bucket at a time. My fingers bled and I was beat. He hasn’t paid me a dime for anything in those 7 months and told me that I just started working for him really. But “we got to get through this now, so we can move out”, is what his reasoning is to not pay me anything. Not many would work like this for nothing and maybe a meal. After all, I’m also a girl of only 132 lbs…
When we got home late that evening, laying in bed, he hugged me in spoon position, said he would “do something” but was too tired. Man, I was tired, too! He then grabbed my hair and started pounding me from behind, saying “Yes? No? Maybe?” I was like half asleep, annoyed because he never said thank you for all my work or made me feel good about myself but yelled at me all the time. He did it again, pulling my hair and saying “Yes? No?”. I just kept still, kind of in shock, not sure how to react, so he put my hand to his junk and when I refused, he turned around, showing me his back. He then said that I, like always, probably can’t take this, but that I never have any lust. What? I’m one of the most lustful person on this fucking planet! If you treat me with respect, you might even get some!
I had to leave the bedroom, because I felt like crying and he always tells me that I can stop, because it’s not doing anything to him, that heis not playing these games. So I cry my heart out in the guestroom, sobbing and blubbering. He definitely heard me for a straight hour and didn’t come. Next morning he treated me as if nothing ever happened. Not with love. But as a worker, I guess.
I wrote him a Facebook message about me feeling low on self-esteem and explained myself. I had also forgotten birth control for 4 days and needed to let him know etc. and was hoping he would understand that I’m a girl, in need of romance and respect. He never responded back. Well, he did. He wrote: I don’t have time to read all of this now. I said that that’s fine, that I just needed to connect with him. He never mentioned it again.
I do so much for his business, so much for his self-esteem, but I felt that he is maybe right: if I initiated sex more, maybe he’d be more gentle and loving (stupid way of thinking, isn’t it)? But as he has been watching teen porn for weeks (he downloads tons of that stuff), I felt unwanted, bad about myself and unsexy. So I poured myself a drink when he left to bring he worker of his back home. I started pulling out all of my lingerie, put candles on, got all my nice dresses and started trying them on. I put a large mirror up and started looking at myself, deciding which outfit he’d like better. I had nice, sexy music on and was waiting for him.
After an hour, he still wasn’t home. I knew that it would only take him about 30-45 mins to get him home. But I had a feeling that he wouldn’t want to come home but went for a drink with his friend. So, I dressed back to normal, left my lingerie on the bed, the candles and music on, put a card (see pics ) in front of the door and went for a drink by myself at a bar, 5 mins from our house, parking the car right out front for him to see when he would pass. I figured, when he found the card and all that, he’d call me.
I met his ex-girlfriend at the bar (I never knew they dated, but now I know so much more!) and she bought me 2 drinks, we chatted. The girls from the bar were soon closing up and asked if I wanted to join them at another bar, 5 mins from there. Well, I knew this wouldn’t turn out well with my boyfriend, but all the things she had told me about him and how he wouldn’t call me made me mad, so I went.
He had told her to pay him with sex when she wanted her car back (which has been at his shop for 7 months! That just made me smirk, because that’s his normal turn-over…). He told her what to do and would be mean to her as well. She said she had nothing bad to say about him, that he’s funny and caring. She also told me though, that he wanted her pregnant but she would never want kids with him. On top of that she said they never really had sex because he found her to be fat.
Oh lord, I got home around midnight and found the front door locked. I had to go through the garage, through his room and found my card gone, the guestroom still lit with candles and all. I decided to stay there and wanted to use the bathroom. However, the door was locked from his room. I went to bed, sad, confused, mad and crying.
This morning he gets up and doesn’t check on me. So I go downstairs and interrupt him talking to his Dad “Hey, why did you lock the front door last night?” “I just locked it.” “And why did you lock the bathroom door so I can’t get in?” He is definitely uncomfortable in front of his Dad and says “I just locked everything”. They start getting back into their conversation and I’m making coffee. But inside of me, I’m so hurt, in so much pain, I have to say more “Hey, so how did you like the card I gave you?” I interrupt them again. His Dad looks at him, looks at me, Andre stops for a second and says “Yes, thank you” and starts conversing with his Dad again.
He then goes upstairs and I knock, asking him in private this time, why he locked the door. He’s in bed and says that he’s going back to sleep for an hour. So I leave, sitting in the guestroom, waiting for some response to all that happened. 5 minutes later he’s on Facebook, commenting on some of his friends posts. All the sweet messages I’ve sent him, he never responded to. All the nice pics or quotes, he never commented on. He is never supportive or loving. If he comments, it’s sarcastic or challenging in some way. He never changed his profile pic where he’s depicted with some random chick in a bikini, sticking is tongue out.
I go back, as I know that he’s obviously not sleeping but facebooking, open the door and ask him what’s up. He mentions that I wasn’t home yesterday, so he locked everything. I asked him why he didn’t call or wait for me. He gets his shoes, leaves the room without looking at me and says that he doesn’t have time for that.
I’m so hurt, but so incapable of doing anything. I have no leverage. I feel so lonely. I’m so embarrassed that I put myself in this spot. I have no (and I mean zero) money, I’m borrowing his Dad’s flip phone, but he wants it back because he’s switching over to a different carrier and will lose all minutes. My car is grown in by weeds in the back of the garage, engine not working. I have no family or friends here. And I can’t talk to him because he just refuses to speak to me. I am sick to my stomach.
I don’t know what to do. Give him time to adjust? Tell him to fuck himself? I don’t know. If I’m not giving, he’s definitely not even considering.
What I love about you:
- Your quirky smile, full of love and confidence. When you’re truly happy, your eyes even sparkle.
- Your shy smile, the one that you hope I don’t notice, like when you almost blush. Very rare.
- Your masculinity and muscle tone. You’re strong and toned.
- Your tendency to touch and strike my hands when you hold them.
- Your tendency to always keep an arm around me or hold my hand when we’re walking together.
- You being a gentleman and always opening the door for me.
- That you care for me financially and render possible what I might need.
- Your profound knowledge and general interest in the many subjects out there.
- Your ability to do whatever you want if you set your mind to it.
- Your drive and competitiveness.
- Your cooking skills. I’ve never seen a man do what you do in the kitchen. Amazing.
- Your cleanliness.
- Your laughter and giggle when you’re happy.
- Your crisp reasoning and rationality.
- Your behavior after we get back together after a fight: tender, listening, considerate.
What I could live without:
- Your rageful eyes, when you don’t approve of something I’ve said.
- You looking down on me, shaking your head and rolling your eyes.
- You punishing me in a passive-aggressive way, avoiding all interaction and touch when I did something you didn’t approve of.
- That you’ll always have the last word, no matter what. And not wanting to at least listen to the different opinion.
- Your procrastination if you don’t want to do something and your lies to others about it.
- Spending on food a lot but complaining that we need to save money. I miss cooking and having breakfast with you.
- You watching all these movies about love and romance and not applying a single bit of it in real life.
- Your impatience with others still learning, figuring things out. Because you already know it and can do it very well on your own.
- Your mad and angry laughter.
- Your behavior when we spend too much time together: rough, mean, inconsiderate.
- You dropping the ball immediately when something doesn’t go your way. Becoming unattached the moment of.
I love these pictures. That’s all I can comprehend at this time anyways. I’m close to leaving the narcissist, close to crashing and reassembling myself. I would love to have my picture taken when it’s time for it. Hey, what do you think of South Carolina? Good place to live? Have a wonderful weekend, everybody!
When in a relationship with a narcissist, you might find out that you have some sort of a personality disorder yourself. I’m not going to lie, I definitely got one. Every “normal” person in this world will tell me to get away and out of this situation as fast as my feet will carry me and I ultimately feel bad for having such selfish thoughts.
Unfortunately, being an empath, I permanently feel his pain and insecurity. I understand. So how is that going to work?
I visited tons of websites on the strange relation between narcissists and empathetic people. It’s a perfect match. You’ll forget about yourself and end up just catering to the narcissists needs and wants. Until you go stir crazy or loose yourself.
I don’t want to do either, so I tried a five minute meditation to get back in touch with myself.
“First, you’ll stand on both feet, maybe with your eyes closed, focusing on your breath. Try to breath in on 4 and out on 8. This will relax you and you’ll eventually forget the world around you.”
I don’t believe it quite yet, but I stand up and start breathing in and out, trying to concentrate on the rhythm and onto my lungs expanding.
“Feel your feet sink into the ground and your breath coming and going. Once you feel centered, put your hand on your heart and notice how it feels.”
I feel very happy as I can tell that my shoulders dropped during this meditation, I can feel my body relaxing and my breath being calm and steady. Putting my hand on my heart is the easiest thing in the world. I wonder, what should come out of it and lay my hand on my chest. I feel a strange feeling arouse in me. It’s like my brain is shut off and all the attention is on my body, it’s natural functions, it’s beauty and abilities. I get nervous. Why does this feel so weird?
“Continue breathing and just hold your heart.
Ask yourself one question:
What do I need right now?”
That’s the moment when I loose control and my heart is just showering me with all these long restrained emotions. I immediately start crying. Tears are running over my cheeks and my hands, holding my heart. I cry silently. Not a single noise comes out of me. Just tears, tears, tears.
After this meditation, I feel stronger. I can’t believe how powerful it was. Kind of scary. There’s several things I don’t like. Loosing control is one of them. Even sneezing upsets me, because you can’t stop it. Hick-ups! Ugh! You will laugh, but shaking and crying without being warned (usually you feel it coming) was like loosing control to me.
I’m very thankful for a short introduction to mediation. You might like it, too: [youtube http://youtu.be/AGtETn4Xd6w%5D
So he goes to bed, lays on his side with his back towards me and doesn’t say a word. No goodnight no nothing. I start crying and I know he’s going to start yelling at me “This game doesn’t work on me. You’re like my mom!”, I crawl out of bed, trying to calm down in the bathroom. It doesn’t work and I’m wide awake now.
We’ll have to move soon and stress is inevitable. He hasn’t been sleeping much during nights lately, so I decide to leave the room and sleep in the guest room. There I cry and cry and ask the stupidest question ever, over and over again: “Why?”.
In the morning, I wake up early and sneak into the bedroom. He pretends he’s still asleep and lays spread out all over the bed. I sit on the wall, watching him quietly. He turns a couple of times and after about 45 minutes, I find room in the bed and lay next to him. When he wakes up, he tries not to look at me and when he opens his eyes, I smile at him, warm and gentle. He smiles almost unnoticeable and says “What?”, I don’t know what to say and he gets out of bed. Great. That didn’t work.
The day goes on and I’m crying all the time. Silently, by myself. We have investors flocking to the house and browsing through our rooms. I feel agitated and mad. I get ready to get in the shower and ask him if he’s mad at me. He says “Mmhhhh, let me think. Maybe I’m mad at you because you didn’t shut up when I told you to. Maybe I’m mad because you still wouldn’t stop when I told you to shut up.”. I’m amazed. This guy truly believes that I’m responsible for his misery???!! I tell him that he chooses his attitude and that I can’t always know what he wants to hear. He didn’t come with a manual for God’s sake!
In a very calm voice, I tell him that we’re in the same boat. That these are hard times, that I wanted to talk about something else but money and work yesterday. I also made the point that I didn’t yell or got loud, I simply asked if we could change the subject and he snapped at me. When he did that, I explained to him, I didn’t know how to react to get back to safe ground. He was already mad and looking me down and I tried to find common grounds by saying that it’s rough times right now and that I’m not out to get him. I tell him that when he barked at me after this comment, that I was totally lost and didn’t understand his reaction.
All my explaining just triggered one reaction from him: defensiveness. He said that if I would just listen and behave the way he tells me to, it wouldn’t be an issue. I get really mad now because this man still doesn’t have a clue what a partnership is all about…I yell back “If you would do what I ask and behave, we wouldn’t have this problem either!”, get undressed and get in the shower, where I cry and cry.
I get out the shower, feeling a little better, and do what I always do best when I’m struggling with myself and the world: I clean. Washing the dishes, I notice him coming down the stairs. He walks right behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. Where they rest. I immediately stop what I was doing and let the feeling of him touching me sink in. I loosen my muscles, my shoulders move downwards, my breath becomes deeper and longer. I regain calm. I feel him being close and our bodies are slightly touching. He then turns me around and we hug. For a long time. He says something that annoys the shit out of me again, but I’m just happy he made the connection, so I don’t bother: “I don’t have time for this.”, meaning the drama. He then says that we still have 52 minutes before the next scheduled investor would show up. I am flattered, already feeling used, that his gesture of seeking out contact with me was for his own personal gain, and tighten up again.
He leads me to our room and puts me right down on the bed. He undresses me and goes down on me. I don’t even move or make a single noise. I just watch him, thinking when he will probably realize that I don’t care. He laughs and asks if I’m trying to be quiet. I tell him “No, I don’t even have to hide it.”, which he just smiles about. He does all sorts of things down there, spends some time and finally gets undressed himself. Over and over, I touch my lips with my hand, trying to show him that I’d rather have a kiss, him paying attention to the person up here than my reproductive system down there. He doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to and laughs.
He penetrates me and I just look at him. Not with hatefulness. Not with pity. Just plain, sad, emotionless. I don’t move, nor breathe hard. I am watching myself and him, waiting. He kisses me several times, first because he wants to, then because he knows that I need it. Afterwards, he gets up, dresses and leaves the room after giving me a faint kiss. I feel hollow. Lonely. Abused. I want him. I want his love. But he loves in a a weird way. More himself than anything.
After this event, all is well and he is more relaxed and happy. He really tries working through this and treats me nicely. He even laughs with me and gives some TLC. I know it’s not permanent. I could be tempted to voice my opinion at any time, have strong emotions. It could be over in seconds. I’m not lying here. Being with someone you love that has no idea (or doesn’t want) to love you back, is suicide.
Last night, when I cried myself out in the bathroom, I took my nail scissors with me. I had them follow my veins on my arm and wrist a couple of times, trying to see how much it would hurt, trying to see how fast I could do it, sinking into the bathtub. I am a lost cause and all the good moments and memories hold me down, still, captured. I love this man, I can feel his pain and his fear. But he doesn’t think that I understand him. He’s trying to pretend so badly that he’s perfect and great. Nothing can cloud his judgement.
I am excited every day on where our relationship is going. And if I can defeat the demons and terrible circumstances that life throws at me. I sometimes feel like I must have a heart of gold. Helper syndrome. Borderline personality disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Something. Because nobody would endure the emotional pain that I’m putting myself through.
On a good note: he’s talking to me again. We found our common ground and are hugging and kissing again. Unfortunately , this isn’t keeping him from being sarcastic or demanding. But: I made it through another day. Living with a narcissist. That I love. And treasure.
Day started with him whispering at our dog, rubbing her, kissing her and laughing. Then he petted me on the knee and got up. He didn’t look me in the eye and we both stood outside, watching her eat. We used to cuddle and hug each other while gazing at the new morning and our puppy. Well, not anymore.
We achieved a couple of things that midday for work and felt good. He even took me to the Chiropractor because I had severe back pain lately and paid with a grim on his face for the doctor. We had a nice lunch, chatted and went home. That’s when we found out that his Dad had lost a trial and therefor his house that we all live in. It will be auctioned off next Tuesday.
We stuck our heads together, spoke encouraging words and started thinking about how we’re going to pull this off. It was great. Like, as if we had a common enemy that made all the worries disappear and us stronger together. He decides that we’ll go to the movies and have some drinks to get over the first shock. I argue that we should probably be working, but he says it’s for his mental health and state of his soul. So we go.
He pets me all throughout the film and stimulates my genitals when no one is looking. I get excited and he has the biggest smile in the world on his face – obviously enjoying the fact that I’m enjoying it. After the movies we visit a friend for a quick while and spend time at the bar that he had grabbed the drink from me before. I wasn’t sure if that’s a bad omen. Now I know it was.
After dinner and 2 beers, he still won’t stop talking about work, although he tells me that he wants to chill out. So I tell him that I would like to spend some time talking about something else and he immediately barks at me that I should zip it. I kindly ask him if we could just for the duration of dinner talk about something else and add that it would be good for MY mental health and state. Which, of course, doesn’t matter as I find out.
I shut up and we stuff our faces. Me with a sick stomach, of course. I can hardly eat. I don’t know how to get out of this mess and wonder what he usually talks about when going out. So I ask him what he usually does when going out with girls. He’s like “I don’t”. So I say “Well, there’s enough proof on Facebook that you do.”, which is true as there’s at least 3 girls depicted in his gallery with cleavage to their stomach, wearing red small dresses and big smiles. So he says: “Laugh and talk about fun stuff!”. Which of course, triggers my next question “So why don’t we laugh and talk about fun stuff?”. Which makes him shut me down with “It’s obviously not possible to do that with you.”. I almost puke onto the table and got to retain myself from spasmodic sobbing. I excuse myself and leave for the restrooms.
I break down in front of the toilet and ball and cry. I return to the table with a smile and he just raises his eyebrow, looking me down and watching sports on one of the tv screens. I chug the last beer and try to stay upbeat but quiet. Obviously we have nothing to talk about and if, I wouldn’t know what it is as he’s not saying anything and I’m terrified to speak a word as it could backfire. I’m so lost. I’m so hopeless. I’m scared.
We drive home and it’s as always. He tells me that I totally ruined his mood (??????????????????????????????????????????) and I ask him how to change that and try to give him a comforting look (I’m such a dumbass), which he just shrugs his shoulders to.
He drives like a maniac and I cry my heart out. He doesn’t hear it as the music is blaring and he doesn’t see it as he never checks on me. What he said about me not being fun was a huge insult and just not true. I am a very funny and outgoing and charming person. Everybody in this bar looked at me in awe. I sparkle, I glow when I walk into a room. I’m caring and bring out the good in others. People would love having me around. He just hates it. And lets me know over and over again. He doesn’t even try to please me or make it up to me after he messed up. Why? He doesn’t even realize it nor does he have the slightest clue about me. He doesn’t know me. And he doesn’t care.
He cares about his money. He cares about his health and pleasure. If he’s in a good mood, he’ll pleasure you, too. If he runs out of patience, you’ll feel the full force of his vengeance and hate. I know he’s just lonely. And scared. And misunderstood. That’s all it is. I have no pride left. I’m prided out. I don’t have any me left. I died today. I will try to get through this.
But I can say that much: I’ll never be the same. Again.
I’m very close to breaking point. Very close. My relationship is rotten. My life is, in general, falling to pieces. I’m overwhelmed. Lost.
I have been the most sweetest gal ever lately, took good care of my body and look, have been entertaining and tried to lay low.
He hasn’t been doing shit in weeks. Watching movies and procrastinating because of the heat, because he will do it later, because it only takes two hours, because he’s awesome and people have to wait for him not the other way around.
So, I’m working all morning on an outline for our new website. I gave it a lot of thought and am taking this job very seriously. He – not so much. He had been delaying his work for so long, that he actually pulled an all-nighter for some random job from Monday to Tuesday, and didn’t do anything on Tuesday (“I worked 24hours!!”, really?). On Wednesday he watched two movies during working hours and didn’t do anything towards the work he was supposed to do.
His customers dropped off their job for the second time but will have to pick it up today again – undone. His other clients had to cancel an entire family vacation because of his waiting game and will probably not make it out this Friday because…you get my point.
So, I’m the one answering his work phone as he doesn’t want to talk to these people because they’re absolutely mad at him and get that he’s just making up stories. He tells me that he doesn’t want to talk to them because he really needs to focus on his work now. Mmmh….So I keep his customers upbeat, make conversation and am working hard on providing good answers and establishing trust again.
He comes in for lunch and says “Why hasn’t this been filled out yet?”. It’s paperwork we have to submit to some association to be listed. I have never been in his business before and this morning, when he mumbled a couple of references, literally said “We need to call thingamabob, too, and we should also get the one where we did this one job.”. I literally have no clue what he was talking about but he was stressed and already walking off. I decide to work on the outline first and ask him later about good references.
I thought wrong. Because now I’m in trouble. I didn’t do what he had voiced under his breath immediately and am not listening. He uses the words “like always”, “here we go again”, etc. and is mean. I don’t want to listen to his words at all anymore and tell him that I’ll have to do something upstairs.
When I want to go downstairs again he walks up and asks if I want to watch a movie with him. That’s his way of dealing with conflict and miscommunication. I say: “Maybe”. He tells me: “Of course, because you still need to call these references and fill out the paperwork”, and smirks at me. I don’t think this is funny and am making a big mistake. I defend my honor.
We had a talk earlier that day about all the things he knows and can do. I praise him and tell him that I don’t think that there’s anything out there that I know that he doesn’t. Well, now was just the moment to let him know that I was wrong: “You know what you don’t know that I do?”, “What?”, “How to motivate people.”. Using “you”-messages is never a good thing, but I just couldn’t keep it up anymore…
His face frowned and he said “Do I have to do it myself?”, “We already had that going on all week anyways.”. I guess he was referring to sex or I don’t know. He believes he is the only working man on this planet, I guess! I’m so frustrated. Literally exhausted.
He will never support me. He will never feel happy for me. He will never love me. He will never understand what it means. I will always feel alone next to him. Always.
With very sad greetings,
Porn is porn and it is not real life sex. It’s fastfood sex. Guys, let there be a method to your madness. Make those three minutes count![youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=q64hTNEj6KQ%5D
Disclaimer: This is not related to current events. But to at least 14 years of bad sex due to not looking my vis-a-vis in the eyes while raising my glass. Remember, people: look your counterpart in the eye while clinking your drink. Otherwise it’s 7 years of bad sex. Just saying…